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Old Testament Snapshots

  Samuel: Shhh!! Can You Hear God?

  Ron Fast

  [email protected]

  Copyright 2007 by Ron Fast

  Intro

  YAAAS (Yet Another Alien Abduction Story)

  Imagine that you were walking along a deserted road minding your own business (Doesn’t “business” look like it should be pronounced “busy-ness”. They should spell it bizness but, oh well.). You had just completed a screamin’ hard week at school. You couldn’t believe how much homework you had to do. You pretty much had no social life and might as well go off and join some monks on a deserted island (another word that really bugs me, but we won’t go there).

  You were totally exhausted. Boy, you could sure go for a box of “Screaming Yellow Zonkers” right about now. But, it was a cool evening and you were enjoying the quiet walk. As you walked along the dirt road, you could hear the crickets cricketing and birds chirping and the gooses geesing. Up ahead about 100.123112412335111221512123 yards was your favorite pond. It was where you came to fish, back when you had a life. You just loved to watch all of the little pond creatures doing their creature things.

  You decided to chill for a while at the pond. You ran the rest of the way to the pond and sat down on the bank. “Ah, self, this is the life,” you said to yourself. Being at the pond during the quiet evening allowed you to escape the week’s troubles. You watched the frogs and stuff for a while and then laid back. The stars were starting to come out. There were absolutely no clouds in the sky tonight. You were able to catch a couple of shooting stars and a satellite or two. The Big Dripper was bigger than ever, in fact, you had never seen the stars and constellations so clear as you did tonight.

  But . . . little did you know that you were being watched. You see, a gazillion years ago, there was this alien race that had crash landed on earth. In fact, the pond that you were enjoying was the crater that the alien spacecraft (it looked like a Giant Ear) had made when it crash landed. The crater filled up with water and nature took over by growing plants and trees around the edge of the man-made. . . Ummm. . . Oops. . . I mean. . . alien-made pond.

  This race of aliens were called the small-but-mighty-freaky-alien-race-that-live-in-ponds-on-planet-earth. For short, we’ll just refer to them as the SBM’s (Small But Mighties). The SBM’s weren’t very big. In fact if you weren’t looking for them, you’d never see them. They are about the same size as that small wart on your nose. As a matter of fact, they looked just like that small wart on your face which made it really difficult to tell when they were on your face or not.

  As you laid back and gazed up at the stars, you sort of conked out. You started snoring quite loudly. It was so loud that you woke up the SBM’s who were still living at the bottom of the pond in their giant ear-shaped space craft. Your snoring was sending ripples through the water. The SBM’s were trying to get some sleep after a really tough day of trying to get their space craft unstuck so they could finally go back to their home planet HSBM. The aliens on the neighboring planets just called SBM’s planet Earoid because it looked like a giant ear.

  Anyway, back to the story. The SBM’s were mighty angry that you had woken them up. They wanted to see who had disturbed their slumber so they raised their periscope and saw you on the edge of the pond fast asleep.

  Because the aliens had been in that pond for gazillions of years, they had been able to study these human-types and understand how they worked. But they had never brought one onboard their space-craft to study them completely. The captain of the SBM space craft contacted the teleporter room to snarg (beam) the earth creature onto the ship.

  They finally snarged you onto the ship. They began performing really weird experiments on you: sticking probes up your nose so far you could swear they were going to suck your brains right out of your head. They put all of these electrodes on your chest and on your ears. They would then send electrical pulses through the electrodes. These pulses weren’t enough to hurt you but they did make your ears wiggle. You thought that was pretty funny. You’d never been able to wiggle your ears before so you thought it was pretty cool.

  Next they hooked up a bunch of wires to your ears and connected them to pulleys. At the same time, they put this slug-like creature on your mouth that totally slimed your lips. Then. . . Every. . . . Thing. . . .went . . .

  DARK

  You finally woke up. You were still on the spacecraft. The aliens began talking to you. They said, “!@)#$)(*!$!@$#$” which means, “Greetings earthling”. You respond by saying “WAZZZUP” which translates into, “!@Y”.

  The aliens continue to dialog with you. (Translation provided in the parentheses.)

  Aliens: “WER@#@#@” (“we have modified your body”)

  You: “Say WHAT??? (“HHIUH%%%”)

  Aliens: “+!)” (“Yes we have bigged your ears and shrinked your mout”) This is a rough translation.

  You: “Why did you do that???” (“!@)($*!)@(*$)!(*$)(!*)!(#*$)(!*)(*!#)($*!)#(*$!)(*$!)(*$!)(*$)!(*$)(*!$@)

  Aliens: “UULLKKHUIL” (“Because you earthlings don’t know how 2 lissin very well. You speakin too munch”)

  You: “What, I listen really well. See I’ve got two ears and one mouth” (“SDF**@#@#*&&&*”)

  Aliens: “__3_#=—” (“Yes, we know you have 2 ears but you still dun’t hear very gooder. So we have enlarged your earing capacity so that you can ear others more better”)

  You: “Why did you freaks shrink my mouth??” (“ISEFL”)

  Aliens: “